(about the film EAT PRAY LOVE)

It waz nice movie but dat girl so stoopid. You dont need to go all ova to fix yo brain. (shakes her head) how in da heck? no, Ondrew that's too much. No need to go evri-whar.

(watching the film "Eat Pray Love" - just after a monolouge Julia Robert's character has in Rome)

GOL-LY! So complicay... this woman, my God, she is too complicay. (shakes her head).

you are da Prince, my Prince William... I am the Queen Motha... Fifi is da Marquise...Jimmy da ArchDuke... Vivienne the Doo-chess, Leslie too, da Doo-chess. Matt is a Count. Randy? A King...

you know somethang... i cohm frohm da country. If you gave me 80,000 franc I wood-ant kno what to do! We halve no taste.

you don't have no piece of chocolat in yo room?

i got pee pee now

Josette: You something, Ondrew. I wish I could you see you as old man 86 years old.
A: I wish you could too. That would be funny.
Josette: HA! (covers her lips with a cups hand to hold back her laughter) Yeah, you right, that would be very interesting.
F: Well, you'll be able to see him Mom, you'll just be in heaven.
Josette: I'm not going to heaven.
A: Yeah, but she won't be able to be here and laugh with me.
Silence.
A: Can we not talk about this? I will seriously start crying here in a second.
F: Wow. Yeah, that's crazy to think about it! It'll just be you and Leslie.
A: I know.
F: I'll be dead.
Josette: Me too.
F: Grandma, everyone. Your mom, your Dad, Jimmy.. we'll all be gone. That's so weird to think about.
A: Can we please stop talking about this? I actually think about this all the time, it gets me really, really upset.
Josette: Oh, my baby.
A: I'd just rather not.
Josette: Oh, my baby. I can remember being eleven, thirteen year old girl and thinking.. "Ma Gah... I gon be old lady when I'm 40." Cuz 40 was old for me back den you know!
A: Yeah.
F: Don't be worried, Andrew, you'll have Leslie, and you'll have all your sisters.
A: I know, I know. And there will be more family that's just not born yet and stuff.
Josette: You will have so many friends, and your sisters. So many...

a golden lady

Last night, I dream I was wearing a beautiful brown satin dress. . .

(seeing a biker zoom by, wearing tight clothes)

Look at dat man! NAKED!

I tease yo son about Obama all da time...and he bite all the time! Ha! I don't care!

If Obama take my check away, I kill him!

(after seeing a fat man walking on the street in DC)

V: Wow, he's fat!
Josette: Dat is a memorial of the washington george, vivienne.

(while driving through DC)

Dey're so many holes here...

A: Remember we used the GPS when we went to the Price is Right?
Josette: Oh yeah. What a shock. It was so ugly. All those people. They don't pick you. They pick those Mexicans.

V: What about Camilla?
Josette: Vivienne... (she shakes her head)... Everytime you see her she is with a glass.
V: She was pretty when she was younger, but she didn't age well.
Josette: Before she met Charles, she had facelift, butt, facelift. Everything! That man... he destroyed his happiness.

I hear you! YAAAAA I DO! Crit-tea-size! Crit-tea-size!!!
And I rememba the time you tole to say nothing- and I don't! You see!

look at how she does. she attacks dat salade! my babies, yo momma becomes good cook, you know dat! Never forget her, never. If she be com depress one day, you be der for her.

Josette: You know sometank?
A: What?
Josette: You should really go to da school to help people with dey mind. You be good, very very good- you kno dat?
A: Really?
Josette: Yeah!

A: I gotta shit like a cow.
Josette: Yeah!! Oh! I like to hear stuff like dat! AAaahhhahahahahaha. Tell me how many pieces you do, for joke!

A: You look sexy! You have new haircut, you have new glasses.

Josette: (with a huge grin on her face) And I'm FAT! You forgot to mention dat!!

Dos poor Iranian people. Dey jus wan ta kill dat man but dey can't! Dey try! You remember dis year? Poor people...wit dat bastard guy.

For thirty breathless minutes, Josette recounted story after story about her grandmother. About how the Germans came... about all the hidden wine... the American GIs... her brother... her grandmother's long hair all the way down to her butt... her little black hat... her gorgeous blue eyes... her smile... her grandfather's shocked look on his face... all the chickens... going out to work the fields every morning...

She said... "I don't think I will ever forget this. Such good memory. Oh, God help me if I foget dis tank. God help me."

Then she paused. She had finished her story and we all sat in stillness. Her eyes gazed across the room, with a sublte flicker of light in them, so quick, so brief, as if her grandmother's beautiful face had just flashed before her. She looked down at her coffee. She added a dash more sugar and took her spoon to stir. Metal clinking against the cup, then three taps on its rim.

"You know something," She said. "I miss that lady so much."

Josette took a giant inhale, as if holding back waterfalls, before sipping her coffee.

"I know you do, Mom." Fif said.

Moment, Ondrew. Tell me sometank.

A: Yo boyfriend was just on DC.
Josette: WHO?
A: Ben Afflect.
Josette: Oh yeah, he gorgeous. But he has ma-loh-kia.
A: What's that?
Josette: Bad luck.

Everybody! They all laugh and look at me like I was pretty. God, I wonder what they would have thought when I was young-- dey would be fainting!

When I was at the club, people would look and look and look and look at me. How many times did I have a piece of paper, where da officer write me a little note!

Again! Obama always take da blue jet...

Josette: What day we are today?

A: Thursday.

Josette: Oh! Okay! I have to wake up at 5 in the morning tomorrow to watch my Jumong. You wake me up!

A: Oh yea!

Josette: Parfait! I set my TV to 451!

A: It be nice to go to Sud Kor-e-ah one day, yeah?

Josette: Oh yeah! I wanna go!

A: Yeah? Go to Seoul. Check into a nice hotel, eat a nice restaurant!

Josette: Yeah! You better chech wit da conceirge YOU do DAT! It be expensive!

A: But I want to go, I really do one day.

Josette: Why- I dunt understand dis- why do you always have to go somewhar, you neva stay in same place!

A: Why not? DC is boring. I go to Costa Rica in January.

Josette: Baaah! Not me!

Josette: Ondrew where is Mongolia? Is't near Sud Kor-e-an?

A: Nord o China. No, not too far. Why?

Josette: Well, today I watch ma show, and da pretty girl met her boyfriend from Mongolia! UH! Good looking guy!

Obama on vay-cation.. again! Paaaaaaa!

Josette: When are you going to find a nice girl?

A: One day.

Josette: I like how you say dat. Like Jimmy. "One day..."

The Bolivan was sooch a nice man. He say dey have corn DIS BIG! (stretches out her arms!)

(A is pouring her a glass a water and handing Josette vitamins)

Josette: Oh. You beautiful. ... but you know dat!

(time passes. Then, in one swoosh, A bring her an ice cream sandwich, lifts up the lever to the lazyboy chair, and tuck the remote next to her stomach)

Josette: Oh! Oh! My baby boy!

(A sits down next to her)

Josette: You know somethang, today the Bolivan told me I look so pretty for my age. He say I have no pimp or no too many wrinkles

A: You are beautiful. ... but you knew dat!

Josette: NO! I was...

Fifi I don't care what you god damn think! I want ma mo'nay!

(A burps)

Josette: Oh! My baby is full! I knew it! that mean yo stomach is foool. You kno- if you did dat in Sood-a'rahbia, dey love you. They dink dat complement!

(A burps again)

Josette: Oh! You do exactly like Leslie do!

(serving Polenta)

I think about my meme and my momma all day today. This is what we would always eat together...

A and Josette are watching a south korean soap opera. A young man is sobbing and screaming.

A: Stupid he is!

Josette: No, I feel sorry for him. We you young, you make so many mistake.

A: Jooooooo seeetttaaaahhh

Josette: Oh, I love that name. i always love that name.

Josette: It's because she's a crapola. You know what dat means? It specific dialect from my village. It means she is a sexy lady who is, is somethang com-ple-kay in da brain.
A: So you are a crapola too, no?
Josette: Who say that!? Who tole you dat?
A: Beautiful lady... comple-kay brain'd.
Josette: Yeah, I am one too!!! AHA HAHA You right!

Who could forget me when I was young? I was crazy. Laughing. Dancing.
I was more crazy when I had a new dress- oh! I was so excited and sexy!

A: Tomorrow I go back to work in an office.
Josette: HA! Now you be like every body else!

A: I dream of Benton!
Josette: NO! Well, he must be proud of you.
A: It was a family dinner, he came in, shook my hand, and sat down next to you.
Josette: Oooo, next to me?
A: Yeah. What did you dream?
Josette: Fight! But, I win.
A: With punches? Guns? Swords?
Josette: What?
A: With punches? Guns? Swords?
Josette: Non. With the mouth! I was screaming at my old boss, da guy I haaaate. B**** ape!

(which watching the World Cup and cutting celery)

I never crazy about Dutch. I like Spain, I like those people. They no mean.

This evening while eating dinner Josette choked on some of her food.

She was wailing her arms, fighting for help, fighting for oxygen. Her lips started to turn a lightish blue.

We grabbed her, pumped out the lodged piece of pasta, we patted her back, and she let out a violent cough which ended up being her saving grace.

She proceeded to request a cup of coffee and she went to lay down on her LazyBoy.

But even in that chaos, the house became instanteously silent. A giant, lonely world. The energy shifted. For a moment, I felt what the world would be like when the day came for her to pass away and leave us for good. It was like a glimpse into our future lives. A preview that was so sharp.

I didn't like it, because I was swimming in sadness too immense for me to even organize or comprehend. In this story, which I know I will have to live out eventually, a part of me dies. Dies. Dies. Dies. And never comes back.

No...you don't know him. But I'm happy I speak my mind. It opened the mind like that. When you want to tell him the truth, he don't like dat. Nobody like dat!

I like movies rated R. It's real Fifi. Dat's how dey really talk-- what are dey gon do? Show da pussy?! No, no...

(while watching a war film, a French soldier is beating up an Algerian soldier)

Bastard French.

(watching a film- characters are having a dance, partying)

After dey do dat, dey gon go to da BED!

(next scene comes, yep, man and woman are in bed together. Josette, while shaking her head:)

I tole you.

you right, you right, imma start cook my dinna now. Oh! I'm going to cut my little potatoe, just like Meme did.

A: Did you dream?

Josette: No.

A: Did you pee?

Josette: Oh yeah!

A: Did you pale?

Josette: No, no. (beat) You are curious about ev'rythang! Oh, I love you!

Josette: Da yalo is who?

A: Brazil!

Josette: And who is de green?

A: Cote d'Ivore!

Josette: Ahh.... (pause) Beautiful. You know 30 years ago them people were nothing. Some of dem pretty good, ya know!

Josette pauses, watches the Brazilian players.

Josette: You know, some of dem not bad looking.

A: They're too young for you! Too young!

Josette: Oh! No! Are you crazy? I like Korean man.

F: If Korea were playing America in soccer, who would you root for?

Josette: What?

F: Who would you want to win?

Josette: Korea, of course.

F: What! Have you lost all national alligence?

Josette: Fifi, Americans ruin dey're corntry. Vote for dat guy, dat sonuvabitch guy. Lies! No, but I love Americans, dey just dont think straight!

Feeeeeeeeeeeef! Whered u put ma sponge dey are?

F: Those poor pelicans! They have no idea what's happening to them. They're terrified.

Josette: And da ducks too!

(she is watching TRAVEL and they is a special on about St. Croix)

Josette: Oh, I neva go der. Neva! No way!
A: Why?
Josette: Are you crazy? With all off dos sue-noomies and hurracanes! Oh.. wait a minute.. does America own dat land?
A: Yeah. I think so.
Josette: Oh, I didn't know dat. Huh (beat, aha moment) I don't know everything.

Josette: When she here, dere no peace, you know dat?

(south korean soap opera is on)

F: Is there anything else on?

Josette: MOMENT! Ondrew give me my TV, I don't want to hear her, she piss me off. I want to beat her ass.

F: We get the newspaper now, Andrew, and every day don't forget to lock the door.

Josette: LOCK THE DO'! NO, NO, NO, I DON'T WANT NOTHIN TO HAPPEN TO HIM. I don't want to worry about my baby, oh my gosh. You don't know how painful it is to worry about someone. I worry about Fifi everyday I was with your mother. I call and OKAY THANK GOD nothing happen okay. I know I bother her, but--

F: Mom, are you still rambling to yourself?

Josette: Yeah, and he laughing.

F: Mom why did you make all this white rice?!

Josette: NO! Look the jar!!

F: Is your show over yet?

Josette: I give you 5 minute.

F: Oh, THANKS Mom.

Josette: Den I go upstairs. What you want to watch?

F: Fox.

FIFI IS READY TO GO TO THE BEACH SHE SO EXCIIIIIIITED!

Josette: Hey Ondrew, say good bye to your meatloaf AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! but if you bring ma lamp cuttlet tomorrow dey think you rich guy.

(F walks in the door)

Josette: Oh! Fifi! We eat! We wait and we wait. He almost die from hungry we had to eat.

Josette: Oh, I love you.

A: I love you too.

Josette: I hope you tell yo daddy that I always feed you good. You tell him that.

A: Yeah, he knows.

Josette: Good!

You know if something happen to Fifi, I die. Ohh... I want to see her. Do you think nothing happen to her? She went shopping. There is no body who can take care of me like she can.

A: How is your sister? You little doll? What's on her mind?

Josette: She's okay. Talk to her.

A: No, she only talks to you.

Josette: Yeah... she's so sweet. She help me. She has to help me with my leg, I have to remember.

A: How do you spell strega?

Josette: I don't know. (beat- pointing to laptop) WHY YOU GOTTA PUT STREGA ON DER?! ARE YOU CRAZY?

A: No, no, no! I was just curious!

A: What do you think is going to happen?

Josette: I don't know...

A: He doesn't feel like good energy.

Josette: I know dat.

A: Yeah.

Josette: Maybe I make a strega.

A: How you do dat?

Josette: You have a picture of him?

A: Yeah.

Josette: Well, give to me. I put it next to my candle and pray. Pray he make more understanding to Leslie. That's all. I need to have face.

Josette raises her glass.

A: To you.

Josette: To you my love.

A: Is that water?

Josette: Yeah. No. It's ma vinegar. Apple cider vinagar. It's very expensive.

A: Why do you have dat?

Josette: It help with my digestion.

Lamb and horses are the best meat. oh yes. absolutely. and its the most expensive. you know, it takes lika beef. lika buff-a-low.

Josette: I'm gonna miss you.
A: When?
Josette: When I go over der. It good thang i have yo daddy.

oh i pale now. oh it feels so good fifi.

you have to go talk to dat doctor! you remember when you were little girl? you have to be like lady sneak with dos eyes!

F: (about the Korean soap opera on the TV) My God Mom! Haven't we seen this episode before, wasn't it on this morning!?

Josette: I love you. I love all my children.

F exits.

Josette: Are you happy?

A: Yeah. Are you?

Josette: Yeah. (pause, then...) I miss ma Leslie, and I miss ma Boo.

He is a happy boy. Andrew, you happy, eh? Yeah!!!

(on the Taliban)

Wish I could go der and shoot dem people, my god! All'dem!

Well I go to bed. Where are you girl? Baby!

Josette: I worry about my Fifi, she no home yet. Do you have her number?

A: No. Don't worry, she'll be home. She probably just went the grocery story.

Josette: Golly! Why she haf to-do dat?! It be betta I go mysulf, do it all in one trip, one time a week. My gah! Not go every single day like dis, it make no sense!

Josette: You know, I have to tell you something.

A: Yeah?

Josette: I don't think I want to have the surgury.

A: Why? What are you feeling?

Josette: I feel it is strayga do that to me.

A: Pobably right.

Josette: Yeah. And I'm scared.

A: Don't worry, it will be very quick and easy. We make big dinner afterwards.

Josette: Yeah! You make good idea!

A: Yes, we'll cook it the night before and eat right when you get home from the hospital.

Josette: Yeah! I like dat! You be there with me?

A: At the hospital?

Josette: Yeap.

A: Of course.

Josette: Oh, good!

A: I had a bad dream about you last night.

Josette: What? What happened??

A: I dreamed that you were crying. That you were on the couch and you said "I am watching my soaps but I am crying inside and I don't know what to do."

Josette: Really?

A: Yeah. It made me sad all day. We both started crying together. It was not a good dream.

Josette: Well, don't be sad. It's just a dream.

A: Okay.

Josette: You know, that's the way it's been all my life. I always been crying on the inside.

(Josette picks up the phone)

Josette: Yes, hello?

A: Sunshine!

Josette: Oh! My baby! My baby boy!

A: How you doing?

Josette: Fine.

A: How you feel?

Josette: Fine, my love.

A: Good.

Josette: Do you have something to tell me my love?

A: No, I just wanted to hear your voice.

Josette: (with a little vibrato in her voice) Ohhhhhhh! That's marvelous. I love to hear yo voice my ni-nette-ta!

A: Okay bye bye, I'll talk to you later!

Josette: BYE MA LOVE!

Sometimes I wish to beat you like a mash potatoes!

I watch my soap, but inside I crying inside. I don't know what to do!

Do you imagine? I bake bread yesterday and I have to bake bread again tomorrow!! (huge, huge guffaw) Oh! I can't believe it! My God, they love my bread!

Hey Ondrew... Imma have a little little little-little dog. Very soon. Very soon. I have to go to the SPCA. I read in cat-log that people who have little dog, it save deir life.

Oh boy. It's so marvelous. America. We we saw those flag, we were so excited. Dey were so happy.

At my young age, in France, when they see American ship coming, they dancing. Fiesta! America was very good. She still very good. But they have no good people. No way. The one we had before, they wanted America to have power, and we had it. Nobody bother us. All the founding father.. I bet all them people in their grave. Oh! They must be furious. (pause) Oh John Adams, I did love him. I love John Adams.

(about George Washington)

We no find no man like dat any more.

A: What time is it?

Josette: 5:12. Don't tell me you gotta go to work.

A: I do.

Josette: Oh, no! Oh my baby. I'm gonna miss you. I cannot do nothing without you. I can no argue, I can no talk. I'm going to be alone.

Josette: What were you doin last night? You go drinking?

A: Yes, I hung out with my friends.

Josette: Okay, I'm just worried about you. I worry about you baby you are one of mine.

A: What blouse you gonna wear today?

Josette: I don't know, I have so many. I hafta tank about it.

i gotta go take a shit, excuse me.

you know somethank, you are my sunshine when you are here.

(coming downstairs, first thing in the morning)
Oh, Fifi...the coffee is MY LIFE!

(pause)

I need to shave my mustache.

Josette: Obama, Obama what a dumb dumb he is. I don't understand such studpity the people who vote for him. All da time he say da same tank CHANGE CHANGE CHANGE, and all da people they tank they gon to be million air? SICK AN TIRED OF IT! uh uh uh uh everyday Obama. He say the same thing over and over, he said the same thing as Hitler! No body listen. No body listen--!

A: Shhhh! I'm trying to listen--

Josette: (interrupting) I DON'T LIKE HIS EYES!!

A: You know something...I think you were a Korean in a past life. 

Josette: Are you crazy?!

A: Yeah, maybe! Maybe that's why you like their soap operas so much. 

Josette: Huh..well, yeah maybe. Yeah, it's possible. Maybe I was alive dere 600 years ago. (beat) Maybe I was a dancer. ... maybe I was one of the King's favorites...

A: Why don't you ever sound happy when you pick up the phone?

Josette: Because I don't know who it is! I change my voice, in case its a voo-doo witch. 

L: Beast beast beast beast beast beast beast!

Josette: Oh, I love my Leslie. 

Golly she eat all dat and she gonna go poop tonight!!